I’m glad to be home…in Houston.
Who else is shocked by that statement? Since the day I moved back to Houston (sometime last May, then February in The Loop), I’ve always had my eyes set on Austin.
People would never hear the end of my love for that city. Where did I get my favorite beer? Austin. Where did I get that Texas necklace? Austin. Where was I going next weekend? Austin. Where do I want to settle? Austin.
Always Austin, always. (?)
But for a couple of months now, I feel like I’ve been disillusioned by the feeling that Austin is my end goal. In actuality, I feel pretty far removed for the place I used to seek solace. The city changes every time I see it. And while my job and my career have led me back, I feel all sorts of feels.
Confusion. A little betrayed. Reconsideration. Like an adult looking at their childhood home. Nostalgia, but feeling replaced.
It’s strange for me to say all of this, to feel all of this. Austin changed my life (bold statement, I know). The city life, its people and school. I mean, even the damn coffee shaped me to be who I am today. There’s a reason why I have a triangle tattoo over the city, but now I ask myself, “Where is home now?”
…or am I in some weird transitional coping phase? Because I feel comfortable here in Houston. I know where I can dump my savings (aka the multiple local bakeries). If I need beer, Houston has plenty. Running has been a bit of a flop (Town Lake is #1), but I know Houston has some places…
Comfortability has never been something that I’m comfortable with admitting. Ironic, I know. But I think a little bit of all of us like that feeling. It’s familiar. It’s easy. Shit. It’s easy. Isn’t that supposed to be a BAD sign? Or am I so fixed on this idea that it’s a bad sign? You know what Sandy says, “Don’t fixate.”
Fucking forks in the road. Dad is wrong. Where is this straight path he speaks of? It’s nonexistent. Missed Exits, no feeder and no U-Turn’s. Only forward. But where forward?
I’m sorry if you’ve arrived at the end of my blog to find that there is no resolve. Welcome to my current world. I thought accepting my dream job was going to help me feel more stable and at peace with my future. Aside from the great opportunity, the end city was what got me. Instead, I find myself torn between a place I use to call my home, and a place I might see as home.
[Sidebar: My boss is probably going to read this, and I have a feeling that he’s not surprised? I don’t know, we’ll talk about it at our next meeting…hi, Michael. *waves*]